I’ll get to talking about my stroke in a second but I’m just reminding you dear awesomely faithful readers out there if you’re so inclined there’s a cause out there that is as good as they come.  Check this link out.  Now onwards!

Recovering from a stroke is both a frustrating and glorious time.  You find out how many parts of your body that are taken for granted when they fully function.  When the brain experiences a short circuit and side swipes your left side, your world changes.  You no longer feel right all the time.  Your left side is slower.  That once spry walk sputters into a sometimes awkward dance.  And other times its just a slight limp.

You also have to take two pills a day.  And I was doing so well.  Really I was.  Until I just about ran out.  Just about.

Well, I did.  It was closing in on the end of the month and I was running slightly short in my checking account.  I began to figure out what was coming down the pike and what could wait.  I counted out my pills.  I would run out with about three days left until payday.  For the better part of two days I had the internal conversation of, “Do I dare risk it?” and let me tell you that conversation is never one you should have with yourself.  You should simply decide to find a way to get those life saving drugs.

I will tell you in truth (and my mother will probably have her eyes bug out on reading this) that I seriously considered going three days without my medication.  I tried to rationalize it (that failed) and then just about figured it could be an experiment to see if I had a relapse.

Mind you, a relapse mean another stroke.  That thought lasted a very short time.

The thoughts that followed it did not.  The fear of another stroke.  The simple truth that missing too many of my dosages of medication could lead to another stroke.  Or the simple fact that they have no idea what caused the first one and how does this drug Aggrenox stop it from happening again?

To be honest (it’s part of my rules for this blog) I do fear another stroke.  I won’t lie.  There is always a small fear each day I wake that that weakness or that numb feeling that I sometimes feel is another stroke coming on.  Or when my medication makes me dizzy (rarely happens but still) or I’m just not feeling that great on certain days.

I shouldn’t fear it.  I should readily accept the knowledge and expertise of doctors.  I should put my faith in God that he’ll take care of me.  I should ignore the issues with memory I seem to experience every so often and continue to push forward.  I should thank my lucky stars my stroke that started all this wasn’t all that bad in the first place.

But it is hard.  It is very hard.  The human condition makes us complicated in these times.  There are no easy answers in a stroke affected life.  People without experience with strokes are never able to fully understand what it’s like in those moments alone when the distraction of laughter and work is abated.  There is emotional pain.  There is some physical pain at times.  And there is spiritual pain.  It is a unique world I’ve been dropped into and there’s nothing I can do to get out.

So as they say in Shawshank…”Get busy living…or get busy dying.”

I intend to live.  That’s what I can hold onto.  I’m going to live.